I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
