Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
How's work?
Spinning.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
