I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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