My room smells like vodka and shame
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
