Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
