New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
