I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
