I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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