I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
