Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
