There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
