you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
