there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
