Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
