So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
