When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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