apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
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Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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