Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
