I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
