He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
