Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
