so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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