She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
