I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
