He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
