I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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