you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
