I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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