I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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