my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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