i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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