well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
