so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
