so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
