I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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