You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
