Yo dont text me then not text me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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