So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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