My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
