I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
