I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So much rum. So many feels.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
