What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
