If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
