I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
