I think my vagina is haunted
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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