True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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