Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
