I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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