So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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