I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.