The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
