Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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