She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
