What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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