I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he thought i was a dude.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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