I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
